Penn State Acts to Remove Snowmen

In a display of solidarity with campus activists, the Penn State Board of Trustees voted unanimously to ban the making of snowmen on campus. “The snowman is the ultimate expression of white privilege,” said a Black Lives Matter activist who refused to be identified. “It is a symbol of our hateful past and must be removed from our national consciousness. After all, every snowman is white. Can any rational person dispute this? Has there ever been a snowman of color?”

The vote culminated a months-long campaign of petition drives and public rallies. The goal was to get the ban in place before the first snowfall. With the vote, Penn State becomes the first major university to implement a campus-wide ban on snowmen. Opponents pushed a compromise measure that would have allowed snowmen in designated “free expression zones” in unlit areas on the outskirts of campus. The compromise proposal was roundly defeated and its proponents were physically removed from the meeting room.

Until federal funds are earmarked for enforcement, the university will rely on a secret network of informants to clandestinely police the areas where the offensive sculptures have been built in the past. Several professors have already offered extra credit to student volunteers. Penn State President Eric Barron was giddy after the vote, stating the move was the first of several measures designed to removed all vestiges of racism from the university. “The snowman is history at Penn State,” he declared.  Barron concluded by saying, “Now that the snowman ban has been implemented, my legacy is intact.”

The ban on snowmen takes effect immediately.  First offenders will be issued a citation and required to attend political sensitivity classes.  Repeat offenders will face automatic expulsion without due process.

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