A hard-line, lunatic socialist fringe group, estimated at 535 members, today seized control of and occupied the U.S. Capitol. The group, largely consisting of lifelong, documented larcenists and moochers, claimed to be the legitimate, constitutionally empowered representatives of the American people. The group occupied and seized control of the Capitol largely unnoticed and without a struggle. The group added emphatically that its claim to power “was permanent and absolute, and that any attempts to resist the takeover would be futile and met with blunt force.” They stated that as far they could tell, however, “Nobody seemed to much care or had discernable interest in doing anything about it anyway.”
The move was immediately and universally hailed by the media, major institutions of higher education, Wall Street bankers and investment firms, corporate lobbyists, the European Union, Democrats, Republicans, the NAACP, Black Lives Matter, GLAAD, the United States Chamber of Commerce, and unions from coast to coast. In fact, few if any ordinary citizens seemed to voice concern or disapproval. “Who cares about such archaic things as constitutional rights?” mused a disheveled, glassy-eyed law student at Yale. The future of unquestioned, unlimited control by a self-appointed, enlightened elite holds out the promise of world peace, evenly distributed poverty, universal gay and transgender rights, complete global temperature control, and an end to self-fulfillment and responsibility. The morally challenged will no longer have to concern themselves with the consequences of poor choices.” His inebriated friend of undetermined gender emphatically chimed in, “You’re god-damned right.” Person-on-the-street interviews largely echoed their sentiments.
High-level representatives of nearly every well-heeled special-interest group and government beneficiaries and clients around the globe recognized and sanctioned the legitimacy of the clique and professed lifelong fealty. A stunned SEIU official tearfully exclaimed, “I realistically never expected such a supine reaction to this coup. At last our investment in a values-free public education is reaping its rewards.”