In what amounts to stunning acknowledgement of its very existence, and reversal of existing policy, Congress yesterday passed legislation by a wide margin granting sweeping federal regulatory authority over dark matter. Obama has already promised to sign the legislation which he termed “a small step in the right direction.” The vote culminated months of secret negotiations and political horse-trading. Up till now, each state has been free to regulate dark matter in its own way and of its choosing. The law now prohibits independent state action on dark matter, making it the exclusive province of the federal government. Tenth Amendment advocates were apoplectic with rage over the vote, but admitted its inevitability. The law’s proponents argued that the new law would replace the existing hodge-podge of often conflicting state policies involving dark matter with one uniform approach. The law virtually mirrors the legislation recently adopted by the European Union and several Asian countries.
Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, and the bill’s chief Senate sponsor, Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), were giddy after the vote. “At long last, said McConnell, “we have extended the regulatory authority and benificent offices of the U.S government beyond the planet, even the galaxy, to regulate forces at work throughout the universe, God’s Mighty Kingdom. Environmental experts have claimed for years that dark matter plays an integral role in determining our weather patterns. This legislation proves beyond a doubt what I and most of the leadership on Capitol Hill have been insisting for years—that the federal government has no bounds. Today is an occasion for universal celebration. The Senate now remains poised to extend federal regulation to the next frontier—Black Holes.”
Public celebrations were large, numerous, and worldwide. Revelers on nearly every major U.S. college campus and in every world capital carried on well into the wee hours after the final vote was announced. The White House announced it plans a large Rose Garden signing ceremony on Christmas Day including congressional leaders, heads of state, religious leaders, and high-level representatives of ISIS and other major Islamic movements. Pope Francis, who has been at the forefront of worldwide action on climate change, was effusive over the law’s passage. In his remarks to the faithful at his weekly papal blessing at St. Peter’s Square, he stated, “Regulating dark matter will carry mankind’s struggle against the haphazard and unpredictable forces of nature to a new dimension. It is another weapon in our arsenal in the war against climate change.”
Dark matter is a hypothetical kind of matter that cannot be seen but is believed to account for most matter in the universe. Although dark matter has not been detected directly, its existence is inferred from its gravitational effects on visible matter and the large-scale structure of the universe.