President Obama, President Harris, Madame Speaker, members of Congress, the senator who was a Mormon, General. . . the guy who runs that outfit, Dr. Anthony Fauci, CEOs Zuckerberg, Dorsey and Bezos, his highness Bill Gates, and fellow Americans — I speak tonight on the state of the union and guess what, here’s the deal:
First, I want to recognize all those who took part in the most extensive system of voter fraud in American history. Without your hard work and dedication, Joe Biden would not be where he is today.
I also recognize those who entered the United States illegally because they are already Americans. So it’s only right that you vote in our elections. You will be needed in 2022 and 2024, so despite the pandemic, I will bring many more of you into the United States, so our nation is more unified with yours.
Any disunity in America is all due to Donald Trump, who put up a wall to keep you out. African Americans who voted for Trump should understand that, guess what, you ain’t black. Sorry, that’s just the way it is and I choose this truth over facts. Be sure and get it right next time, and remember, poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.
Trump took us out of the World Health Organization, so I restored the ties, and the funding. The USA is now more unified with the WHO and its great leader Tedros. As I recognize, the WHO always knows what is best for the United States and all the nations of the world. Just kind of a simple thing.
I have also unified us more with China by giving President Xi Jinping a free hand with the Uighurs, in Hong Kong, and with Taiwan. As I recognize, the People’s Republic of China operates under different norms, so what they do is okay with me, even if it violates human rights and adversely affects the United States.
As I said on the campaign trail, the Chinese are “not bad folks” and “not competition for us.” On my watch, the United States will continue to fund the Wuhan Institute of Virology, whatever its role in the pandemic that has killed so many of us and wrecked our economy.
I mean, c’mon man, we will build back better. Everybody just kick back and make sure you have the record player on at night. That is very important in tough and dangerous times, at home and abroad.
In Syria, thanks to my administration, bombs are falling from the sky again and Iran is on the rise again. I hope to rejoin the Iran deal, to follow up on all that money President Obama wisely sent the mullahs. C’mon man, when the Iranian leaders say “death to America” they don’t really mean it. That takeover of our embassy, and all those hostages, that was a long time ago.
I was against Trump’s hit on Soleimani, and I assure you that on my watch nothing like that will ever happen. My focus will be on domestic terrorists. If you support Trump, you are a domestic terrorist and my administration will be coming after you. If you don’t like it, you are full of shit, just like that arrogant Michigan autoworker I put in his place.
My fellow Americans, I also want to deal with this conspiracy theory that I am a puppet of the far left and just a placeholder for President Harris. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s also a lie that I have any physical or mental difficulties. So guess what, I am in the best shape of my life, with no impairment whatsoever. Right now I’m just feeling a little bit tired, so here’s the deal.
I must remain in office to fulfill my campaign promise to raise your taxes. That promise is what got me elected, and in tough economic times, keeping taxes high is very important. I mean, do I look like a radical socialist? C’mon man, as I once told some American troops, clap for that, you stupid bastards.
Keep on choosing truth over facts. As Dr. Fauci says, remember to wear two masks, not just one. God bless America and good night.
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